My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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