We won't sleep together?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
