i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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