yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
