it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
