i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
