Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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