I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
