If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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