Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
