Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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