Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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