Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
false alarm. still invincible.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
