all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
