just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
