Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
