So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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