Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
