Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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