Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
