I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
