how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
