Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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