she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
