hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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