I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
