How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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