Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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