my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
