Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
