i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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