Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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