Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
