i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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