If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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