as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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