do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
