I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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