He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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