According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
