Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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