how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
