i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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