this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
