I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm passing your future prison.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
