So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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