Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
