I wish I could teleport
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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