woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
