It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
